I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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