i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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