I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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