It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
