..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
