god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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