My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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