OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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