Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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