you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
