I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
