I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
