I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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