im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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