haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
