My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
