as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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