I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
