Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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