I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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