Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
