I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
