I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
