that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
time to smoke my breakfast
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
