Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
