Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
