Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
