You really coming over, don't trick.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
