if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
