hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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