another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
