Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
