I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
