My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
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