cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
