I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
