So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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