You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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