Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
