6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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