So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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