I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
