It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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