did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
