the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Randomize
