Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
