he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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