my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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