dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
