By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
