i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
